The "I" In Now

The past is the past, the future is the future, neither of these two exists anymore and yet to exist.  However, the present.  The present, the now, is what is reality, what exists.  

It goes to further explains that the past was an actuality.  Because of its actuality that leads us to the present.  To the I of now.  To the I of who I am now.  Without the past that actually happened; without the experiences that actually occurred, I would not be who I am now. 

I couldn't agree more with this statement.  In my re-discovery / re-education of recognizing who I truly am, we are always reminded to be able to accept and enjoy the pain and suffering.  Nobody enjoys hardships, difficulties and challenges, but it truly is inevitable in life.  

Someone recently asked me that after 16 years of cultivation and being on the path to understand my own higher spiritual self, am I happy?  

My answer: I am not happy most of the time.  Happy is a weird word to describe what I am now in this point of my life.  What is happy?  Everyone's definition of happy is different.  You being happy can be completely different to what brings me happiness and vice versa.  Happy is most often linked and related to an emotion that I compare to receiving, feeling, doing and being something that makes me happy as opposed to something that makes me unhappy.  But I'm not often making this comparison anymore.  What I've come to experience, realize and understand is that there will always be situations, people, matters and things that can easily cause us unhappiness than brings us more happiness.  

What I am now most of the time is content.  I am content when things are stable and calm.  I am content when I hear my children laughing uncontrollably while they are talking and playing with their grandparents.  I am content when things get tough and I am experiencing sadness, pain and suffering.  I am content that I have strength to wake up each day to continue to carry the responsibilities that I am so fortunate to be given the opportunity to shoulder.  

The I in now, in this present moment is a creation of the I from the past and it will be the basis of the I for the future.  Hence, it is important that I realize that now, in order to direct the course of where I am to be in the future.  Yet, life is impermanent and nothing is constant.  That's why it's so important that I focus on being content instead of being happy or unhappy.  Because when shit hits the fan; when the storm rolls in; when the wind puts us off course; I still have to live life, I still have to keep going, but at least I know the I of now.