The moment after I wrote this, I took the above picture:
It has been a bit difficult for awhile now for me to write. I feel like there has been so much…so much…I really don’t even know where to really begin, continue or even end.
I want to write so much.
I want to feel and understand it all, but it’s like I don’t know how to even feel or express anymore.
Actually, as of late, I don’t even want to ponder about it at all. I just want to go back into the world of illusions again….but then there is this overwhelming urge to transcend from it. And maybe sometimes we don’t really have to revisit all that has happened or happening at all. Who freaking knows really….
To not think about the physical event per se…but we still need to live through the journey of understanding the purpose of its occurrence.
Matthew Perry (Chandler) passed away at 54 yesterday and it made me think about how at 43 today that it won’t be long before the time comes we begin to say our last farewells to many things in this short life of ours.
There has been so many emotions, feelings, life….this year. There have been so many experiences this year as well. We visited so many places, seen so many people, events and surroundings. We’ve met family for the first time in our lives.
My children are growing up and I’m so proud of their growth, yet I’m so sad that so much time have passed already.
At the same time, I’m learning another level of patience and cherish of my time with all my parents, aunts, elders and predecessors.
It makes me so emotional of how I’m living in the moment, but also that I cannot hold on to every precious moment before it is gone….it’s so fleeting, it actually makes me sad.
This year has taught me very thoroughly how there are so many things that are beyond our control. So much, that I have had to accept that truth and allow it to just happen and take its course. To harden the heart, steel the emotions and become almost robotic to just watch the train wreck happen in front of your eyes.
The cause and effect of it must go through its journey, and yet we can only stand on the side to accept its explosion, it’s destruction, it’s pain and then its resurrection.
This lesson of many, many, many events has taught me acceptance. The past practice and training of staying within my role, responsibilities and parameters to protect, to provide, to remain stable and strong. I recognized what I couldn’t do and more importantly, what I could and have to do. And sometimes, it even means doing nothing but watch as those who I love suffer, destroy each other, hurt others and hurt themselves.
Sometimes you think, “Shit can’t get any worst than this, right?”….and yet it just keeps rolling in like waves. One bigger than the next. I swear each time I don’t actually think I’ll come out of it alive….because each and every time, I just wish it would just end me….but apparently my lessons in life is not done yet….
So as I steel myself with titanium surrounding my heart and inject antifreeze into my blood….C’mon! Bring it on! What you got for me next!